'allo lovelies

the pool table is covered with socks, tents, mosquito coils, soap, rain gear, soy protein, fleece, wool, medical supplies, sleeping bags, insect repellent, matches, stoves, notebooks, pens, books, pots and pans and forks and knives, ponies!!!! (not really), headlamps, t-shirts, pocketknives, clif bars, rope, cell phones, underwear, zip-loc bag, compasses and every kind of food you can think of, as long as its dehydrated, and i suppose i'm ready for a walk in the wilderness. and, as much as purchasing and trying to choose all these supplies nearly killed me (i'm a terrible planner) and did not leave me devoid of a few irrational mental breakdowns (those i'm good at), the beauty and sheer wonder of what i'm attempting to do have not escaped me. i am so lucky. so excited. so terrified. here i go, walking away from it all. walking to find myself, walking to lose myself, walking just to walk. walking in the rain, in the sun, and in the snow? i don't know. just walking.

tomorrow, dad will take me to georgia and sunday i'll stride valiantly off into the wilderness, hoping to end up six months and two thousand miles later on top of a mountain in maine. i would say what mountain but, alas, i don't know how to spell it. ah yes, i'm prepared for this.

its going to be funny, i can feel it. i'm relatively unfamiliar with my gear (i nearly cut my trip very short in a flaming ball of fire today when i attempted to light the stove), i don't know how to pack my pack, i've put up my tent twice, i'm out of shape and, most dreadfully, i know nothing about bear wrasslin'. i've decided to view all of these things with a twinkle in my eye and a smile on my lips. you can either freak out about it, or you can laugh about it and, since i've already done the freaking out, i guess i've only got one more option. so, haha! i don't know what i'm doing and i haven't done all the planning and i might have to live off of fruit leather for days at a time and i might be a little cold and i might trip and fall down and my pack might be lopsided but, damnit, i'm gonna love it. every single minute. this is going to be the hugest learning experience of my life--every step of the way. i'm taking it a day at a time, the end of the trail is not the goal, the next step ahead is. i'm so lucky to have this opportunity--so lucky--and i'd be a dumb shit not to at least try to enjoy every second of it. i have a lot of healing to do and a lot of learning to do and a lot of changing to do and a lot of, well, walking to do. maybe i'll find my soul out there.

so, onward, say i. onward.


i'll try to update this blog as often as i can---hopefully at least a couple people will read it. i'm convinced there's at least one person out there who would appreciate validation that, yes, indeed, becka is still living. i don't know yet what the computer status will be on the trail---no, steph, there aren't internet cafes beside every shelter on the trail :)--but i'll write something whenever i can. please call, i'll have my phone adn will check messages as often as possible too. i like being alone, obviously, no one who thrives off social interation would willingly wander off into the woods by themselves unless they had a drastic mental breakdown, but i like knowing that i'm loved, too. everyone does, really. that is, i suppose, what it's all about.

so, until future notice, adieu, i wish you sparkles and sunshine and puppies and love and happiness.





p.s. tomorrow i'm eating cake for breakfast.